Restaurants face a familiar problem: food is expensive, perishable and expected by nearly everyone who walks in. Remove it from the business model and the economics become considerably more attractive. Welcome to Table, a restaurant where customers bring their own dinner.

Unlike a picnic, Table has a booking system. Unlike your kitchen, it can charge you for being there. These two features are sufficient to position the concept as hospitality.

Focus on the experience

Guests arrive with a packed meal and hand it to a host, who carries it six metres to a table. This establishes the service proposition. Charge a modest plating fee if they would prefer their sandwich on something other than the lid of its container.

The room should be dim enough that a supermarket salad looks considered. Place a small vase on every table. A single stem can do remarkable work when asked to justify £18 per person.

Build a memorable menu

The menu describes services rather than dishes. Ambient is the entry-level package. Warm includes access to a microwave. Warm Plus includes a member of staff pressing the button.

For special occasions, offer the tasting menu: guests bring six small portions of whatever they were going to eat anyway, and a waiter interrupts them between courses to explain that the next item is also theirs.

Manage the supply chain

With procurement outsourced to diners, you no longer need to forecast demand for ingredients. You need only forecast how many people will pay to eat ingredients they have already purchased. Treat this as a marketing question, rather than an obvious problem.

Customers who forget their food can order from a nearby takeaway. Add a handling charge when the delivery driver finds your premises more easily than the customer did.

Create an occasion

Introduce a corkage-style fee for premium lunches. A homemade sandwich is standard. Anything carried in a branded delicatessen bag attracts the artisan supplement. Staff need not inspect the contents; the bag is the relevant signal.

If a diner complains about the meal, direct them politely to the chef. In most cases, this will mean asking them to reflect. You have finally solved the oldest problem in hospitality: the customer is now responsible for the food being disappointing.

BBA.

Bad Business Advice is satire. This article is entertainment, not business or financial guidance.