You do not need investment, expertise or a compelling reason to exist. You need ten pounds and the willingness to describe an ordinary activity as a business. Here are seven accessible routes to becoming the founder of something your friends will politely ask about once.

1. A premium pebble consultancy

Buy a notebook and visit a beach where collecting stones is permitted. Advise clients on which pebbles best represent their values. The pebble is free; the strategic interpretation costs £85. Your only competitor is anyone who has ever looked at a stone.

2. Handwritten email summaries

For busy professionals who receive too many emails, offer to write out the important ones on paper. Postage consumes the margin, but the three-day delay introduces a welcome sense of perspective. Most matters will have resolved themselves.

3. Bespoke motivational bookmarks

Buy card and a pen. Write “Keep going” on each bookmark. Every unit is technically bespoke because your handwriting deteriorates during production. Position the inconsistencies as evidence of an artisanal process.

4. A local air subscription

Collect air in jars and label it with the postcode. The product is hyperlocal, sustainably sourced and difficult for customers to compare objectively. Your initial £10 goes on jars. Subsequent revenue will also go on jars.

5. A queue strategy newsletter

Review nearby queues and advise subscribers on when to join them. By the time the email arrives, circumstances will have changed. Call this a fast-moving sector and increase your publishing frequency.

6. A digital course about making digital courses

Record a video explaining that people should record videos. Offer a premium tier in which you suggest recording more videos. No subject expertise is required because the subject is the existence of the format.

7. An accountability partnership marketplace

Pair people who have not started their businesses with other people who have not started theirs. They can arrange weekly calls to discuss what is holding them back. You are holding them back by providing the calls.

Your next move

Choose whichever idea can most easily be described as scalable. Register a social media account, announce that you are building in public and spend the remaining money on a coffee. The business has not made a sale, but the founder has now been photographed working in a cafe.

Remember: the ten pounds is merely the financial investment. Your evenings, confidence and relationships are separate budget lines.

BBA.

Bad Business Advice is satire. This article is entertainment, not business or financial guidance.